I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
