He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
