In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
