Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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