I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
