I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
