Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
