So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
