Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
