ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
