sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
