I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
how drunk are you?
Several
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
