I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
