Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
