Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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