Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
