so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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