did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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