Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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