the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
