I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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