$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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