theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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