I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
