New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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