Small penises have feelings too.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
