went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
