he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
