Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
