Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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