Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
