Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I supernannyed him into submission
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
