Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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