So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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