Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
false alarm. still invincible.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
