I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
