I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
