it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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