I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Success! We fucked roommates!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
