When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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