I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
