I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Randomize
