i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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