She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
