even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
