i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
