I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
