Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
