dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
