You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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