Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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